Tuesday Train Wreck

I have a Bible Study group that I adore. I teach--facilitate--vent to----- (the description of what happens in this group can change from week to week).  We share...truly share our lives in struggle and in growth. It is a unique place to be heard and accepted exactly as you are even while being challenged to do the hard work it takes to prune and grow a life that really matters. 

I love them.

So.

Much.
You should come.

Since January we have been doing a study on temperaments that has been kinda funny, but also really eye-opening in a gut-punched kind of way. I wanted us to grow in our understanding of how God created us and what He expects for us to do with our God-given strengths and our flesh-drenched weaknesses. Although the content of our study was God-sent, my attitude was very teachery with just a hint of pride...some of you can imagine where this train might be headed. We finished our study with a three week look into the Fruit of the Spirit as taught in Galatians 5:21-25. It goes like this.....

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Galatians 5:21-25, NIV 

We had a great first week studying through love, joy, and peace. And then came week two. I studied about patience and kindness and goodness and was ready to teach what I had learned. My notes were printed out neatly and sweetly tucked into my folder in my church bag, ready to be hauled up to Bible Study happiness Wednesday morning. Imagine skipping, that was Tuesday morning.

Only Tuesday afternoon happened first and that train I mentioned is about to de-rail, so hold on.

My husband and son were out of town where my son was playing in a tennis tournament that was going poorly {they would use stronger, less Momma-ish adjectives meaning really BAD}. I was getting text updates and felt helpless in the face of my son's frustration and guilty for not being there. I pressed on and went to pick up my daughters from school. One hit me hard with demands and expectations before her beautiful little fanny even hit the seat of the mini-van. I quickly realized that we were not going to be on the same page and my idea of a little "girls' night" while dad and brother were away was not going to satisfy. We survived the 5 minute drive home only to really face off in the kitchen. Did you know your kids can hurt your feelings? In one honest yet badly delivered sentence I found myself both shamed by the truth of what she said and wounded by the way she said it. So I did what any 12 year old would do; and defended myself! {Anyone see the problem with that last statement? Yeah. I didn't for about an hour}.

I left my older daughter pouting and went on with my younger daughter to walk with some friends. As I was pounding the pavement I began to remember some of the Truth about patience, kindness, and goodness I'd just learned. I was humbled and ready to make things right as I headed home.

Only Tuesday evening happened first and that train that was coming off the rails crashed in a fiery heap.

My younger daughter got mad on the way home and threw a giant colossal car fit. As I was driving home I must've looked like I was having a seizure to other drivers because of how hard she was kicking the back of my seat. And I was sweating profusely since I'd had to chase her down INSIDE my mini-van to get her buckled up. She can go "boneless" like no kid you've ever seen.....seriously impossible to pick up. By the time we got home the "act your age and be the MOM not the 12 year-old" lesson I had just learned had completely evaporated along with every single shred of self-restraint. The end of this day had crushed me completely. And see, that's not a bad place for someone who believes what I believe. For weeks I had been teaching that we cannot transform our weaknesses on our own.  For weeks I had been teaching that when we fill our efforts with self-strength our families, marriages, and ministries are the ones most hurt by our powerless frustration. For weeks I had been teaching that real change takes Jesus, submitting to Him and allowing Him to fill us up with new stuff, foreign to us but completely made of God. So if I really believed what I'd been teaching for weeks, a "crushed flat, totally empty of my own failed efforts" kind of day should've been an opportunity, right? Well, instead of acknowledging the opportunity crushing emptiness provided, I came up swinging with self. And in my own frail strength I took out everyone in sight. Not with my fists, but with my self-righteous criticism, hateful words, and then angry silence. Anyone else ever shocked to find this is the only way self is strong?

And yet we all {miraculously, probably because Daddy came home} survived to face another day.

And I woke up thinking about the Bible Study coming up in a few hours....and my heart for the first time ever was filled with "I absolutely can't go to Bible Study" dread. As I looked around at the train wreck my efforts had created the day before I could still smell smoke. I planned all the ways I could change the lesson including some weird craft project that was really just coloring pages made spiritual. I couldn't figure it out without lying about having some made up disease, so I just faced it head on with great trepidation. Why the trepidation? Because as often as I make mistakes and am open about them with my ladies (often); I have never stood before them having completely, literally, word-by-word failed in every syllable of what I've prepared to say in the mere hours before it's time to share it with them.

This is how Galatians 5:19-21 describes a life lived in the flesh. Don't gloss over this, consider it. Lots of it felt familiar to me that morning.

"It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community.
I could go on..." Galatians 5:19-21 Message

I went to Bible Study and stood up and told them I was struggling and prayed all wobbly-voiced wobbly-kneed and then started teaching. Below are my notes without many comments; just copied and pasted from my Tuesday morning lesson before the Tuesday night train-wreck. Unless you've slept through this post, you'll see the connections.

Patience "Makrothumia" in Greek means “patience, a self-restraint of the mind before it gives room to action or passion; forbearance, long-suffering. The person who has power to avenge himself, yet refrains from the exercise of this power. It is patience with respect to persons while "hupomone" or endurance is patience toward things or circumstances. Makrothumia is associated with mercy and is used of God. Hupomone is inspired by hope while makrothumia is inspired by mercy. "The believer is to exercise mercifulness, for he can feel compassion for the misery of sin upon others....“Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy” (Matt 5:7). Spirit-led makrothumia comes out in my lack of judgment toward others; in my abundance of forgiveness, in my extension into the life of another person and my patience as I wait for them to repent.

Kindness "Chrestotes" in Greek means "kindness. It is joined to philanthropia – human friendship. It means forbearance, to overlook; and is the opposite of "opotomia" which means severity or cutting something short and quickly. It is the grace which pervades the whole nature, mellowing all which would have been harsh and austere.” 

Goodness "Agathosune" in Greek means “active goodness. It is more than chrestotes (kindness), a mellowing of character. It is character energized expressing itself in active good. Thus chrestotes in action is agathosune.” 
Kindness in action is goodness. 

Do you see how impossible it is? After I taught these words and we looked at other passages that just further confirmed the beauty of a patient, kind, good woman I told my Tuesday story of the opposite. My heart and voice were broken as I shared; not because I had a bad day {almost every woman in my class faces more difficult circumstances DAILY, that isn't the point} but because my heart was genuinely broken that I am so powerless, that my best efforts are so empty, and that I can so quickly disregard such beautiful grace-filled Truth. I saw the faces of these women who love me and I knew that some of them had already tuned out the powerful words we'd just studied in light of my sadness, and were moving on to planning what comfort casseroles they would bring me and when they could kidnap me for coffee or surprise me with skittles in the carline at school and what is it she always orders at Sonic?.....

I didn't want comfort, I wanted Him. And I was convinced anew and more than ever before that He is the only way. I was both humbly horrified by my behavior and freshly grateful for His strength that defies my own. And that desperation is why I shared with them and why I am trying to work up the courage to hit "publish" on this quite raw blog post. I want Tuesday's disaster to open my eyes and theirs and yours to the paradox of "Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal." 
John 12:24-25, MSG

Resolute dying to self and reckless living to God isn't popular and it isn't intuitive; so often it feels backward. But it is TRUE and it is FRUITFUL and it is SATISFYING. Take heart when you have a Tuesday train wreck, because it provides the opportunity to bury self and come up fruitful, and in that little nugget is the seed of Hope for each of us. Be encouraged, when you are weak He is strong and that is enough.

These are all phone pics taken on fun less "Train-Wrecky" days.
Blessed beyond what I deserve!

The definitions for patience, kindness, and goodness came from The Complete Word Study Dictionary New Testament, 1991 Spiros Zodhiates.

Hope Resting

I have this sweet new devotional that I got for my birthday. Jesus Today, by Sarah Young (the author of the super popular Jesus Calling devotional).  The theme of the entire book is Hope. The very first day talks about how some of God's children have forgotten how to hope. It was good and so encouraging and I needed a little spiritual pep-talk. So I grinned and thanked Jesus and then my eyes wandered to the supporting verses on the next page.  The ones that go along with the devotion.  They are supposed to teach our great need to keep an eternal perspective and find joy in all circumstances as we place our hope in God.....and they totally do that. But I saw something else too.  I saw rest. Do you see it?

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love rest upon us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."  Psalm 33:20-22

"A faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time." Titus 1:2

Maybe I was just tired...

It could be that even in the early morning hours I was feeling overwhelmed and undone by the chaotic To Dos that awaited... 

Perhaps it was the blessed burden of teaching preparation... 

Or it could be that one of my children is in a stage that feels very much like we've lost some hard fought ground and I'm floundering to figure it out... 

The mundane is draining...

The time needed to prepare for what matters most feels squeezed out...

The fear of a parenting "crisis on the horizon" is frightening... 

I'm not sure, but it could be those things that led my eyes to this one small word...

REST.

As I read both of these verses I saw that in the first verse love rests on us.  In the second verse our faith rests on something else....hope. 

Could it be that hope is actually the love of God resting on me as I allow what I believe and understand to rest on Him? 

It's a vicious circle that actually works; one that produces movement and growth. A circle that is beautiful and leads to joy as it pushes our gaze to the eternal and shifts our perspective from the exhausting present.

What I know (knowledge) and what I believe (faith) can rest on hope because God doesn't lie. When I settle into that and refuse to be carried away by doubt and insecurity and a hundred other things that threaten my peace, I acknowledge and snuggle into the love of God already resting on me.....and all of that gives me confident hope.

This seems so trite and simple, to the point I hesitate to post it, but it's my lesson this week. And I'm starting to see the fruit of it.

My To Dos are getting done, from the mundane to the important, many with joy...

I am courageously preparing a message to teach that I never would've chosen on my own...

I am trusting Him daily for wisdom and patience to parent in a difficult stage; learning to be thankful for little victories...

There is security in settling my hope on God; both for the everydayness of this life and the perfection that awaits in heaven.  

Maybe acknowledging that His love rests on me even as I settle what I know and believe on the certainty of Him is all I needed to do...

"And she smiles at the future." Proverbs 31:25b NASB

Choose Joy

“Thank you for bringing my family to me.

Thank you for joy.

And I love my dog Izzie.”

This was part of my youngest daughter’s prayer one night last week.  It had been a joyless few days and hearing it was a bit like having the air knocked out of me.  It hurt like the dickens for a second and then I could take a prayerful breath, deeper than I had in a while.

My Baby Girl finding joy in the rain today.

This is always a tricky time of year for me and I hadn’t been taking very good care of myself (in a bunch of ways, as indicated by the use of the word “dickens”).  The effects of my dry spirit and tired body were wreaking havoc on my frayed emotions.

(For example I went running that morning and as I opened up my running app it said something along the lines of “welcome – your last run was 26 days ago”.  When I launched into defense mode including a lecture TO MY IPHONE about how hot it’s been and an (exaggerated) list of the number of times I ran on the treadmill that she knows nothing about….I realized I just needed to get moving before my emotions got the best of me and I ended up finishing off the box of Reese’s pieces I had started the night before.)

I digress….badly.

As I ran my daughter’s prayer encouraged me.  And when I say it encouraged me what I mean is that it gave me courage, inspired courage in me.  For a lot of reasons that are mostly selfish I had forgotten that joy is a gift to be thankful for, but it is also a choice. 

And sometimes a choice that takes a lot of courage. 

“…we who have fled [to Him] for refuge....have mighty indwelling strength and strong encouragement to grasp and hold fast the hope appointed for us and set before [us].”  Hebrews 6:18 AMP

So be encouraged, encourage another. 

Choose Joy.

Weakness

But he said to me, 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses….”

2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

Weakness.  This is not how I wanted to start a blog post on running.  I kept hoping for some great momentous victory to launch a great inspirational post.  In the last couple of frustrating months I’ve learned that what God is teaching me through running is about weakness.  Truly. Stinks.

I wanted to open a blog post on running with a verse like Psalm 18:29, “With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.”  Maybe something about strength, giant-slaying, victory.  I woulda totally given all the credit to God and secretly hoped I could look amazing too.

But no, this is the lesson for me. Maybe you need to go on this trip too.

“But he replied, "My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." 
So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am. Yes, I am glad to be weak or insulted or mistreated or to have troubles and sufferings, if it is for Christ. 
Because when I am weak, I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 CEV

Here's my boasting about running:

• I am not fast.
• I am not strong.
• I am not beautiful.
• I am not improving.

I started running (sorta) last August.  My husband is a runner and has been for about five years.  When people would ask me if I was a runner I used to answer them with this doozy, “The only way you will ever see me running is if I am being chased….by someone….with a knife.”  But then he decided to run his first marathon at Disneyworld.  And by the way, they have a family 5K a couple of days before the marathon…..you wanna?  So, attempting to be supportive, I committed along with our older two kids.  To train we would do my husband’s version of Couch25K around the mile loop in our neighborhood.  As we walk/ran I could not imagine ever, not ever, ever making it 3 miles. But, I began to run by myself a couple of times a week.  I mapped out a 2 mile course in my neighborhood and didn’t tell anyone I was doing it because I didn’t think I could. I really was curious about running, it has made such a huge impact in my husband's life especially and I wanted to give it a try.....really I wanted to conquer it easily.

I began to run my loop a couple of times a week….and I struggled.

It took me a couple of months to get to 2 miles….and I struggled.

I ran the 5K distance once a couple of weeks before our trip....and I struggled.

I came back after watching my husband and friends conquer a marathon all ready to become a real runner. I set myself a training schedule....and I struggled.

For some of you reading this, you are flipping into rescue mode right about now either because you love running or you love me. Don't do it!  I'm writing this because of what I learn here in this bit of discouragement. There are a lot of things I love about running [and I'll blog about those sometime...maybe], but honestly it makes me feel weak. Weak like nothing else has in a long time. I've been really bugged by this and have spent the last months fighting it and trying to fix it. Once when I was complaining about running and comparing myself to some other faster and stronger girls; my husband said, “Well, honey those girls are a lot younger than you and were athletes in high school….”  It really wasn’t his fault, he was trying to be encouraging and I totally forced him into that corner. That's how hard I was working in "fix-it" mode.

Then in my Bible Study along comes a week about thorns and weakness and other things I hate. I realized that for me, running isn’t about becoming strong.  For me, running is about shedding my pride and the comparison game and smiling at my weakness.  I PROMISE, this is not something you will ever read in a running magazine [seriously I just snorted imagining that headline]. God might teach this to you in a different way, but it's time to park here.  To feel weak means I am dependent and needy.  I don’t have to be afraid of that, I just need to aim it in the right direction. If I believe what the Bible teaches, then I must believe that when I take my weakness to a loving Creator He transforms it into strength.  Every time I run, EVERY TIME, there are moments when I feel only weak. [I even wrote about that here.] And that’s OK because He is only strong, He teaches me and encourages me and strengthens me EVERY TIME! And the thing is, I have given my life to tell the truth about His. Weakness (Running, for me) helps me do that.

This is a screenshot from my phone - important because it's my longest run ever.

To this day, I have never run much farther than 3 miles (Oh, how it pains me to admit).  I run 1 ½ - 2 miles three times a week. I don’t run fast or pretty, but I do run consistently.

By the way, I did find this verse from the Hall of Faith Folks in Hebrews 11:34 which describes many men and women of faith …  “whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle…”  


I still hope to have a "Psalm 18:29" running post in my future; but for now my greatest hope is that my lessons about strength and weakness and running are all preparing me for real life battles. Maybe they've encouraged you to take a new look at weakness in your own life.  Because on the other side is always strength.

My kids and I after the Disney 5K

There is nothing like a race, I am looking forward to doing this again!
We were waving up toward the stands after we finished.

Encouragement

Encouragement is something we talk about quite a bit, but don’t do very well. Real encouragement inspires someone to be courageous.  It doesn’t inflate their ego (flattery) or push them toward our view of a more positive version of them (manipulation) or prove our opinions are right (pride).

Encouragement tells the Truth in a way that inspires (EN) courage (COURAGE) and it’s very powerful.

I had my 40^th birthday this week.  As a part of the celebration my husband asked many of our friends and family to write letters for a book that he gave me.  This encouraged me.  Seriously. Encouraged. Me. 

As I read precious thoughts from my children, husband, siblings, parents, family, and friends there were some beautifully recurrent themes; both deep and shallow, funny and serious.  It was humbling to see some accomplishment of goals I’d set and worked to achieve.  It was much more humbling to see some things that just are….me that have mattered to someone else.

Less than a week before I received this gift (but weeks after the hubby started this project) I had one of those great giant unexpected onslaughts of insecurity.  You know the kind?  It fills up your heart like a sinking emotional boat even while your mind is trying to bail with great futile effort, until you just decide you might let yourself drown in a big bunch of ugh. I just felt irritatingly inadequate.

This book was a gift not just in the timing, but also in the content.  Don’t underestimate the power of encouragement.  We all need courage to live well through our days, and we all can give it to one another.  So today, look around and give true encouragement.  Not the counterfeit versions of flattery and manipulation and pride that really only serve you, but real Truth. 

Truth that has paid enough attention to see and know another. 

Truth that can recognize the unique beauty of another’s strengths and the marks of the calling of their Creator. 

Truth that inspires courageous faith-filled action.

Tell it.

“So speak encouraging words to one another.

Build up hope so you'll all be together in this, 
no one left out, no one left behind.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11

The Message

Tough, Wonderful, Together Life

I recently started running.  I was always the one to say that the only way I would be running is if I were being chased with a knife.  But to support my husband and two of our friends who are running a marathon in January, I am officially running.  I suspect that there will be much more blogging, possibly a whole blogging novella about this subject eventually.  But I'm not yet convinced that I will transition from supportive jogger to actual runner.....so we shall see.

Back on subject, I am slowly training myself to run far enough to finish the 5K (which is about 3 miles) a couple of days before their marathon.  Surprisingly I don't hate running, but I have noticed something interesting.  My last stretch, when the house on the end of my block is in sight and I know my own home is right around the corner, that's when I run the hardest and the fastest.  Running is tough, but that last turn is wonderful.  Tough and wonderful.

Now to the reason for the running illustration. On Sundays and Wednesdays I have two amazing groups of women who are studying  through my Chains Falling study with me. This week was like running. Tough and wonderful. Together we've studied through some of the hard parts of Hosea. On Day 5 this week we rounded the corner toward a beautiful passage; Isaiah 35.  The subtitle in my ESV Study Bible says, "The Ransomed Shall Return" Ahhh, after some doozies like, "Do not Grow Weary," "Israel's Sin" and this gem "Job Laments His Birth" we really needed a happy subtitle.   

Here are some of my favorite parts of Isaiah 35......

"And a highway shall be there, and it shall be called the Way of Holiness.....It shall belong to those who walk on the Way; even if they are fools, they shall not go astray." (verse 8).

I just love this description of God's Way.  I belong there, even though I'm often foolish and don't always have it all together. He protects me from getting lost as I follow along this Way.

"And the ransomed of the LORD shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away." (verse 10)

This journey becomes full of glad, sigh-free, joy!  I really love a happy-grin sigh and often add them in little [  ]s when I write, but those frustrated painful I can't take much more sighs are what is absent on God's Highway [happy sigh here].

"Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come......He will come and save you." (verses 3-4).

This part is what I really want to get to in this post.  The week of study started with the subject of God's discipline in Hebrews 12.  After all the discipline part God tells us this, "Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."  (verse 12)

See the similarities? I like that the Hebrews passage comforts in the context of discipline and hardship.  I adore that the Isaiah passage promises in the context of a certain future. Discipline is actually a stamp of God's approval and acceptance over us, but it's still stinkin' hard.  Discipline strengthens us but only after it drains us and right in the middle of that we need each other.  Did you see in the Isaiah passage what we are to say to one another when we are feeling weak and anxious?

Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come......

He will come and save you. 

In other words, when dear ones around me struggle I need to be the voice saying, "Hang in there and do not let fear get the best of you.  Remember I am here, God is here. He saves, and He's coming!" 

As I was writing this post I remembered this picture of my husband and son at the Grand Canyon.
Sharing life, leaning into one another to hear, speak, listen, instruct, learn and encourage.

What if we did this?  What if instead of my busy self-centeredness I shared life with those on God's Highway around me and together we reminded each other:

     of His goodness.
     of the benefit of His discipline.
     of the memories of His past wonders.
     of the exact Truth of His Words.
     of the future we will share with Him.
     of the blessing it is to have one another.
     of His Saving Nature.

     of HIM.

Maybe you are like me and find yourself emptied by the monotony of daily demands.  Maybe you are in a season of loss or transition that has made everything around you including yourself feel like a stranger. Hear it,

Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come......

He will come and save you. 

We are running this race together and it's supposed to be Tough and Wonderful, but it's also supposed to be Together.

God Glitter

I am officially a Church Lady.  I have the bag to prove it.  Somewhere in between my first and second child I had enough required “stuff” to bring to church that I got a bag just to conquer it.  My current church bag has its own little resting place in my home from Sunday to Wednesday back to Sunday and I put the required “stuff” in there depending on whether it is a Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday morning or Wednesday night.  Once our baby is old enough to start going to Big Church her “stay quiet and don’t bug daddy while he’s preaching stuff” will be in there too.  But I checked and we don’t have to do that until she starts school.

So a few weeks ago I sat down in church, and reached into my church bag to get my Bible.  As I pulled it out it was covered in …….. gold glitter.  Yes, I realize that story could’ve gone much worse.  And just for the record my church bag has seen waaaaay worse than gold glitter.  I just don’t love glitter.  Confetti I get, but glitter annoys me.  The glitter covered my Bible and then my hands and then my clothes and stayed with me all day long.  If I tried to brush it off, it just reappeared somewhere else nearby.

This is the for real picture of my Bible.....glitter and all.

I was momentarily irritated by this until I realized that the glitter had come from a precious gift from my littlest daughter made for me during one of her classes at church.  She was proud of her gift and gave it to me happily, stuffing it in my church bag where she knew it would make it home.  Even the youngest among us knows the power of the church bag.

The bottom of my church bag.

That was over two weeks ago and my church bag is still full of glitter that clings to everything.  This Sunday, I just grinned and clapped the glitter off onto a friend sitting next to me.  I was reminded that the Preschool Glitter Days are very short-lived.  When you are in the middle of them they seem long and redundant.  But now that my oldest is about to start high school and the only glitter my middler uses is on her hair occasionally or what she can sneak onto her eyelids I am convinced more than ever to enjoy the church bag glitter days.

The way the glitter clings reminded me of the impact we can make on one another.  We were created to be present with one another.  The joy that a generous act or a thoughtful reminder brings sticks like gold glitter.  There’s nothing better than being loved by someone who really knows you.  I’ve been encouraged in my writing and parenting endeavors this week by old and new friends and family who give me courage to believe more fearlessly.  They know me and accept me and love me no matter.  This type of attachment sticks and reappears to strengthen; just like my church bag glitter encounters.

A couple of years ago I found a marvelous verse;

 “They will sparkle in His land like jewels in a crown.”  Zechariah 9:16

That’s what I want my life to be.  I want to reflect the truth of who God is, what He thinks and feels.  In the life of other people I want to be God glitter.  I want to be little sparkly reflective reminders of a God who is creative and loving and honest; a God who is good enough to give us glitter.

The Highway

Last Sunday Todd preached on keeping the faith during the storms of life....twice.  It reminded me of this little bit of my heart I wrote several years ago.  I found the original date, July 18, 2005.  Six years ago.  Our oldest was 8 and our middle was 5, our baby wasn't even on our radar yet as you will see.  We were just two years into our ministry at IBC and many of the fulfillments of what God was calling us to do were still distant on the horizon.  What a blessing to see them made obvious now in flesh and bone and bricks and walls.  An amazing reminder of His faithfulness. 

From Summer 2005:

The Highway

One day my children and I set out for the one hour voyage to Grandmother’s house.  As we pulled onto the highway I noticed the dark storm clouds ahead.  I love these storms.  I always have.  I love to see the dark come over and smell the rain before it arrives.  I love to snuggle safe and secure at home.  I love to sleep or wake up during a storm.  There is something cozy about a good thunderstorm.  This day I drove unafraid toward the cloud, happy to be on the way to see my family for a much needed break.
As I drove into the storm I quickly realized it wasn’t a friendly, cozy storm.  It was one of those nerve-wracking, white-knuckles on the steering wheel, talk out loud to yourself kind of storms.  I couldn’t see anything as I began to tap the brakes and drive slower than the speed limit, which is strictly prohibited in my car.  I looked toward the sky and saw no signs of sun or even friendly rain.  Only this dangerous sheet of water could be seen.  My wipers on high couldn’t even keep up with the deluge.  I realized as I began to plan how I would rescue my children when my car ran into the ditch that I only had to keep my eyes on the road.  I whispered a prayer for safety and concentrated on the next 10 yards of highway ahead of me; the highway that was covered with orange water colored by the Oklahoma dirt flooding up from the ditches.  I fought the urge to look to the sky or to the rearview mirror where a sunnier day was fading.  As I traveled along bit by bit the rain lessened and I began to relax and finally looked to the sky.  You might think I saw a rainbow, and that would be a good ending.  What I saw was a sky full of threatening, dark gray clouds being rushed around by the many flashes of lightning all around.  As I began to brace myself for another round with the storm, I saw a break in the clouds.  It was one tiny oval shaped view of blue sky.  It brought me such hope and reminded me of my Heavenly Father.  I forced myself to focus only on the highway even though I wanted to watch the sky.  I felt comforted and homesick as I always do when I see evidence of God around me. 
As I pondered the sky, I felt Him saying to the part of my heart that hears Him, “Perhaps you’ve been thinking I’m the blue spot in the clouds–True, but I’m also the highway.”  Of course, my mind rebelled at this idea.  Shouldn’t God always be in the clouds?  I decided the voice had been the other parts of my heart and that they had ruined my comfy God moment with their heresy.  Then I noticed the highway anew, washed clean by the rain.  It glowed and shimmered with the promise of solid direction.  It never occurred to me not to follow the highway.  After all, I had no choice.  But it was wonderful to see the reassurance of God’s direction and provision for me in that plain yet beautiful picture of black asphalt.  As I continued on through the storm, I considered the last few months of my life.  My life is a busy family led by a pastor husband who faces immense pressure daily.  It is two children who delight, change and challenge all the time.  It is a church I love and serve.  It is friends and family and strangers who I seek to comfort and show authentic God love.  It is a quickly changing future with a new season for this mama.  But for the last months it has also been the pressure of a public attack on our precious church, the crushing moral failure of another pastor friend we love, and the loss of two babies before we could even celebrate their possibility.  God gently reminded me that I had been spending a lot of time either looking to the sky wishing to go home or with my eyes glued to the rearview mirror wishing for the comfort of easier days.  And all along He was the road.  As I take one step after another on a path with turns I never would’ve chosen for myself  I am grateful for the many people and opportunities that make this journey exciting and beautiful.  I am also weary from the burdens I carry.  Burdens not so crushing I can’t go on, but heavy nonetheless.  I am encouraged and strengthened by this picture I saw in the storm.  While I’ve been looking to the tiny oval of blue in the sky, God has been underneath me laying a bit of asphalt just in time for each step I take.  Sometimes the highway shimmers with expectancy around the bend.  Sometimes the highway is invisible, covered with red dirt water I have to slosh through.  But one thing I know and have always known, God’s way is always solid.  He’s not only with us on the journey, He supplies the ground for each step.