Ugly Comparisons

I love this quote.  Evidently it comes from Theodore Roosevelt.  
Which makes me think of Tom Selleck and Blue Bloods.......anyone else love that show? (Because you are the only ones that will understand the super leap my mind just made there.)
But nevermind.  I'm comparing.

When my husband and I moved to Shawnee almost 10 years ago some of our very first friends had us over.  This quote is framed on the counter in her bathroom. It was the first time I ever saw it {way before Pinterest}. Our conversation when I asked her about it was the beginning of a beautifully deep and resilient friendship that is forever dear to me. 

The ugly danger of comparison has been a topic in my learning and teaching and conversations ever since, but especially for the last several months. This morning while brushing my teeth and contemplating issues both deep and shallow, the subject of comparison had a head-on collision with some other things I've got going on in my noggin.....let's see if I can tie it together the way it worked over spitting and rinsing this morning. It starts with a little thread from some teaching about True Beauty....

1 Peter 3:4 says this in the Amplified; 
"But let it {our adorning} be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God."

We get the "gentle and quiet spirit" thing wrong when we think it means to be quiet on the outside.  What it really means is to be quiet on the inside.  Just because a woman can sit quietly and control her words and demeanor doesn't mean she doesn't have a super F5 tornado swirling around inside.  The most loud, outgoing woman can be preciously quieted on the inside, a beautiful example of True Unfading Beauty....

So if Peaceful, Holy-Spirit Quieted insides are a measure of True Beauty; what is the measure of True Ugly?  Could it be a heart that strives? An anxiety-ridden, stirred up inside? A couple of years ago I wrote about peace and joy after Christmas.  I thought about those definitions, especially peace, this morning when all of these ideas were swirling around in my mind trying to find footing to start walking. For me; the quote should read:

Comparison is the thief of Peace.  

Here is how this works for me, and PLEASE understand I mean no meanness....truly! I would imagine you have your own versions of these stories. 



I read a book for minister's wives and am so blessed and perfectly encouraged until, UNTIL we get to the chapter describing how Sunday mornings should go. When the author describes her perfectly homemade Sunday morning family breakfast served on the back porch; I'm done.  And Comparison sets her teeth in.  I am alternately offended with the author and disgusted with myself because my sweet little PKs are the ones who know where to find leftover donuts in various Sunday School classes because they often get NO breakfast on Sunday mornings.  Seriously, I hope this is the closest to "gang leader" my kids ever get.  And of course, I have no idea what the preacher eats for breakfast because I'm not even awake when the preacher leaves the house on Sunday mornings {note to any new or unfamiliar readers - I'm the pastor's wife}. Comparison here ate me for breakfast for awhile. Yes that pun was very intentional.

Or how about this one (completely imaginary, of course)....I get on Pinterest to find an idea for a Christmas gift for my hubs.  I find a 12-day schedule full of gifts and romantic notions including a new water bottle with a hand-crocheted cover complete with a big button. I don't know about you, but comparison can have my heart in an uproar and on a  journey dating all the way back to "my Grandma could crochet, she even taught me once, she would be so disappointed that I can't crochet...." before I even know I've taken a step away from Him. {I may or may not have dug out my favorite Grandma King afghan to further ruminate in the comparison trap....wow, TMI for sure}. This is why comparison is so dangerous, it roots in our minds so quickly and then runs for our hearts.

Comparison takes a heart taught and comforted and settled by her Creator and stirs her up with anxiety and the pursuit of the unsatisfying, transforming Beauty into Invisibility.

Can you see it?  We need to stop it and we can. Comparison is not our friend, it's the opposite of us, opposed to the True Beauty God created us to bear. So let's be women of unfading beauty, who make Psalm 46:10 our goal to "Cease Striving and know that HE is God."

As we settle into knowing Him we know ourselves and each other.  We love ourselves and each other. We don't create friendships where comparison can thrive in competition, we create safe community where we can celebrate authentic and imperfect identities {which happens to be way more fun than trying to be a fake version of perfect none of us can even define}!

So this post has taken me way longer to write than it should've and of course I'm already being tested big time.  I keep swearing that I'm going to write an entire blog post on Ice Cream so that I can be "tested" on that subject.  But I won't, I'll just keep on blogging about what I'm learning in real life in the Real Word, and hoping we can learn together.  So I'm settling into refusing Comparison....anyone want to walk away with me?  Take that, Comparison.

Let Her Sit

I was so encouraged this week.  A friend stopped me and told me she was ready for me to do a new blog post...."I checked and it's still pudding."  Pudding is important, but there is chance there are more important things in life (slight, but still a chance).  Her request made my day.  I told her that there are so many things that bounce around in my head and heart that I would love to write about.....but so few actually make it here.  This last Sunday was one of those sweet personal lessons that I hesitate to even share because I have no confidence that I can articulate it in a way that is meaningful, but still; I'll try.

If any of you follow me on twitter, I tweeted recently complaining about taking my youngest to Big Church.  My Sunday schedule has taken a recent overhaul which has included switching from a traditional service {which I loved} to a contemporary service {also love} and from teaching youth Sunday School {loved it for over 5 years} to college Sunday School {love so very very much}.  You see my problem, lots of love but also lots of change. Good or bad, Transition always has Stress as a sidekick.  Add into this the realization that it's time for my 5 year old to start going to Big Church {don't love} and Sundays got super stressful. 

Here are my tweets about this particular experience:

"Perk of 10 years between oldest and youngest; knowing 5yo big church torture becomes teenage real God worship."

"Week 2 of Anna stays for church...never woulda let the bigs sit in the floor. #choosinmybattles" It included this picture...

What I wanted to tweet on Week 3 and 4 breaks my "no negative venting on social media" rule.  But it woulda had something to do with being spread eagle on the floor and bad sewer breath being blown in my face. It might've included this hashtag; #wannabarf

Here are our Big Church Rules:

• Be quiet.
• Go potty before church because we are NOT leaving during the service.
• Stand up next to Mommy during the music at the beginning.
• When, and only when, Dad starts preaching you can get into your church bag.
• Stay in your seat (this one is open for interpretation, obviously).

Week 4 had gone so badly that I was digging my heels in for a fight.  These are good rules folks, I'm not hearing one single joke about any of my kids being "that preacher's kid" because they are misbehaving. I won't have that. (So you're seeing my starting point here).

I had fought her through every single song the week before because I made her stand up with me and she was doing the "wet noodle my legs don't work" passive aggressive thing; actually it's not very passive at all. 

So Week 5, the lights go down and the people all stand up and I turn to force her up and I hear very clearly, "Let her sit."  I paused and waited. This was the Spirit.  I asked her to stand and she wouldn't and I felt it again, "Let her sit and pray for her." After a short argument with myself involving a brilliant though half-hearted defense of Rule 3 and an equally brilliant "pppphffffftttt" I let it go.  I whispered into her ear instead...."I love being here at church, this is the time when I get to sing to Jesus about how I love Him. I would love for you to sing with me."

And I just began to sing and worship without her even while I was praying for her.  She sat next to me quietly and before the first song was over I felt her hand in mine.  She let me hold her and she started singing with me. Beautiful. My beautiful parenting stories are so few, that I wanted to point and shout and tweet but instead I marveled.  I let her sit, I prayed, and she joined me on her own.  Now...just keeping it real, she was also pulling my earrings and since she doesn't know the songs yet she sang this ugly monotone version of word endings as she tried to mimic what she heard. 

But she was singing.  

Because she chose to sing, not because I forced her.

I thought of how God handles me.  He invites me and does His thing and never forces me.  But the more I get to know Him the more irresistible He is.  I grow frustrated and independent and pull away and He whispers "Let her sit".  But as I watch Him and His people, I find my hand in His because I belong there.  He is home. My contribution may be an ugly monotone version as I just try to keep up, but that's OK.  His kindness leads me there (Romans 2:4).  He miraculously changes my hard heart into a soft responsive one as He encourages me.

There are so many parenting lessons in this experience.  How often I force my children into a behavior expecting it to motivate their hearts with only disappointing results.  God is after their hearts just as He has pursued mine, so I think I'll spend a little bit more time cooperating with Him there....praying while I let her sit.

"Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], 

lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. 

[Do not break their spirit.]" 

Colossians 3:21 Amplified Version

"And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh..." Ezekiel 11:19